Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
There are no pants in heaven.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?