@sugarboyfly

Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

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@HavocMantis

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

@jane__bradley

This is the first meme I’ve ever shared but it’s a day of firsts so…

@ChrisHallbeck

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

@JohnLyonTweets

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

@alisonforns

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

@anhonestmess

A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.

@faizziy

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

@ARealTinderella

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

@chrissyteigen

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes