@sugarboyfly

Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

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@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@carlyken

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

@bazecraze

Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.

@Ivsy01

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

@craiguito

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

@justmiche74

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

@jackiembouvier

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I wasn’t trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs

@Reverend_Scott

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”