Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

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Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.


“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced


If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”


Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.


*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.


Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.


I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns


[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.


I wasn’t trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs


Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”