THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
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My circle of trust is a meatball
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?