I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.