aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Breaking news:
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Baller is short for ballerina
Match dot com, but for socks.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.