@Vodkantots

Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.

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@SteveSackington

My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.

He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.

@_davidlucas_

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

@liv_thatsme

Overheard:

“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”

@aguycalledEddie

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

@Havish_AF

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

@MatticusFinch1

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

@NicestHippo

[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?

@InternetHippo

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

@MrSandeepP

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?