@Vodkantots
@SteveSackington
My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.
He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.
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@SteveSackington
@_davidlucas_
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
@liv_thatsme
Overheard:
“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”
@aguycalledEddie
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
@Havish_AF
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
@MatticusFinch1
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
@NicestHippo
[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?
@SimplyNamedTron
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
@InternetHippo
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
@MrSandeepP
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?