My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.
He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.
Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.
Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.
You Might Also Like
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?