Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
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when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
hackers play passwordle
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
looks legit
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.