Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

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“Is your refrigerator running?”

“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”


Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home


A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it

Wait couldn’t I just put the che

Mother of god


Ladies, don’t waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese.

Apparently they have a “family” & a “wife” & I’m “ruining their dinner.”


A girl once asked if she wanted me to play Doctor. I said sure and made her wait in 2 different rooms for 45 minutes.

Humor stops for no one Samantha


Dear Abby,

I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?


I’m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage


Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.


A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.


I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”