@tjcirimele

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

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@Thynebear

“Is your refrigerator running?”

“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

@JayCee302

A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it

Wait couldn’t I just put the che

Mother of god

@foxxy311

Ladies, don’t waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese.

Apparently they have a “family” & a “wife” & I’m “ruining their dinner.”

@DangerouslyJoe9

A girl once asked if she wanted me to play Doctor. I said sure and made her wait in 2 different rooms for 45 minutes.

Humor stops for no one Samantha

@Underchilde

Dear Abby,

I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?

@perfect_boxx

I’m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage

@PaperWash

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

@ReelQuinn

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

@IAmKatieOrr

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”