Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
This can never not be funny 😭😭
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
This was my dad’s browser history.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*