Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
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The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day