“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
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Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I