Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
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Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Doctors texting each other.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
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