Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad