@skedaddle74

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

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@BuckyIsotope

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@lloydrang

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

@heyitsJudeD

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

@weenbeans

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

@Marlebean

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

@markhoppus

Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.

@TheHyyyype

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

@imdaintyaf

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

@MomofTeen

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.