Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.