*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
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By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Peach wants to know who is responsible for this sign.