@skedaddle74

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

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@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@djdarrellripley

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

@ningiou

Everytime you see 2 characters in Gundam that are enemies talk to eachother while piloting their mobile suit and yelling about their ideals, “i wont let you get away” etc, remember one had to start a call and the other had to accept it just so they could beef over the intercom

@Rollinintheseat

When I go to a restaurant, I stare at the menu for 10 minutes, and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times I’ve been there.

@KenJennings

Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer