If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?
Me: no, it says “worked it”
I: worked what?
[disco ball drops]
[rips off pants]
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Him: you’re terrifying
Me: awww you’re just saying that
No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.