Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

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If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.


Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.


In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms


[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?


*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.


A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?


Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?

Me: no, it says “worked it”

I: worked what?

[disco ball drops]

[rips off pants]
Me: “it”


A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die ūüėČ


Dear Apple,

No one uses the word ‚Äúducking‚ÄĚ. No one.

Thank you!