Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
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Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Lmfaoooooo
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.