Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
You Might Also Like
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
somebody come look at this
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
And bowling should be called pinball
Life hack
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?