Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.