7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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I just wanna kill someone
and I know EXACTLY how
Intelligence is the new cleavage
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.