@nicfit75

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

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@mrjohndarby

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

@SteveDutzy

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

@poutinesmoothie

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

@pilau

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

@WilliamRodgers

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.