Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Guys, I found it.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
there’s probably a fee though
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk