“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
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*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Not even remotely sorry.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
my retirement plan is braless
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
pizza
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.