Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
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*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!