[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
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wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Mornin. * use accordingly
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen