So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
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GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
*wakes up early*
*goes for morning jog*
*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok