@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

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@SnizzleFrizzle

So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.

@PortRooster

On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!

@WhtUReallyMean

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

@pixelatedboat

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

@pizzasauceboss

*wakes up early*

*goes for morning jog*

*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*

@DaveLaFaro

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

@causticbob

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

@Fred_Delicious

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

@iamMunga

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.