Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
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[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids