he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
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I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony