“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not