Wife: I told you to slow down.
Cop: License & registration, please.
Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?
Me: Look underneath them.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
When your boss says “you’re getting a little behind,” he won’t appreciate it when you wink and say “been working out-thanks for noticing.”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Hey chubby dudes rockin’ tight polo shirts. Nope.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs