@doguacate

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

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@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: I told you to slow down.

Cop: License & registration, please.

Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?

Me: Look underneath them.

@mrjohndarby

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

@Reverend_Scott

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

@Talkinghands69

When your boss says “you’re getting a little behind,” he won’t appreciate it when you wink and say “been working out-thanks for noticing.”

@Breadery

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

@jonnysun

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

@shivillex

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

@Browtweaten

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs