Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”