This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
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If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )