@BitchyJasmine

Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.

Who’s the deaf one again?

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@DaddyJew

Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?

@pooja_sinhaa

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

@NervousJr

Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.

@SirEviscerate

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

@simoncholland

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

@Sorrowscopes

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@sweetmomissa

Tired of getting along with your family? Miss your sweet children screaming at each other? Ask your doctor if Game Night™️ is right for you!

@Sir_Strange

*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*face melts*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*

@clindsaysway

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.