Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.

Who’s the deaf one again?

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Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?


Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.


Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.


If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.


Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.


I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive


Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.


Tired of getting along with your family? Miss your sweet children screaming at each other? Ask your doctor if Game Night™️ is right for you!


*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*face melts*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*


Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.