Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.
Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.
Who’s the deaf one again?
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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.