@nyax6
Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.
@BitchyJasmine
Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.
Who’s the deaf one again?
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@nyax6
@mattZillaaaa
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
@AimeeHelene1
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
@Jake_Vig
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
@AmishPornStar1
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
@EndhooS
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
@ambamthankyamam
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
@NewDadNotes
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
@ValeeGrrl
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
@distracted_monk
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.