I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.
Who’s the deaf one again?
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Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I’ve never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
ME: Hi I’d like to check my balance
BANK TELLER: *shoves me*
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER