@yonewt

Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff

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@robdelaney

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

@girl_a_whirl

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

@Jesssicle

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

@funTweeters

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

@simoncholland

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

@mjkspeaks

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

@pleatedjeans

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT