Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff
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Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’m running away to join the internet.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
when you’re about to get eaten by a shark but then u see bae watching