Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that鈥檚 literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how鈥檚 my son doing?
Prof: I鈥檝e never seen this man in my life
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh鈥ordyceps.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
* has cake for breakfast
* can鈥檛 finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I don鈥檛 think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother鈥檚 head*
4yo: it鈥檚 ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..馃槒馃槈
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven鈥檛 see him in over 20 years
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I鈥檓 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.