Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
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When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyonc茅 Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
self-esteem鈥檚 so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
If I commit suicide, it鈥檒l be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Me: I鈥檒l take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world鈥檚 cleanest kitchen stool.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 馃槶 yes
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn鈥檛 mean what it meant? I鈥檓 going with Omelette.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I don鈥檛 eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien