[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
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Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.