[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

You Might Also Like


David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested


Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials


Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.


so two of my classmates just asked our professor if his shirt is missing a 2nd part.


In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.


Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now


I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent


I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?


“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.