[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

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*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?


I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.


Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.


Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”


If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.


Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library


When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.


(WW1 1915)
ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to-
ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man’s emptiness, yes…