@NamestartswithZ

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

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@ADHDeanASL

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

@MartaEffing

My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh… That’s more like it.

@manwhohasitall

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

@withanewname

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

@TheRealNickKay

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

@AdamShaftoe

Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.

“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”

@wendchymes

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

@PleaseBeGneiss

[prison fight]

Prisoner: *pulls out spoon shank*

Other prisoner: *pulls out toothbrush shank*

Me: *frantically sucking candy cane*

@ndiquote

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

@sophie_mhj

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death