@Pro_Jones_

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

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@SatansTongue

(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those

@JaneBadall

My son just paced back and forth dictating his letter to Santa like a high-powered CEO.

Forget Prada, the Devil wears Ironman pyjamas.

@SincerelyMen

Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It’s a good thing our schools & economy are in great shape or I’d be pissed

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

@LackOfShame

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

@TheNardvark

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

@fro_vo

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

@IjeomaOluo

FYI: Telling an atheist you will pray for them as some sort of insult is about as threatening as telling them that you are going to take a nap for them.

@Gupton68

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

@aaronnemo

Me: You’re the only one who truly gets me.
Chipotle guy: What?
Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.