oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
ME: “This might be a dumb question…”
SCIENTIST: “There’s no such thing as dumb que–”
ME: “Am I a dragon?”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
There is no law that says you can’t smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.