*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that