[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
nice challenge
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.