Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
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*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
my astrological sign is a french fry
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?