Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
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Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.