Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
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Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.