listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Mistakes were made
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan