Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.