*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO