@Mr_Kapowski Dogs that belong to homeless people must think “just say you’re sorry dude and we can sleep inside tonight”
@Skoogeth [literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
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@Mr_Kapowski 
@PortRooster OOO!
XOX.
XXX!!
– Reviews for “TicTacToe, The Movie”
@JWilsonGA Wife: I’m making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want?
Me: Bacon.
Wife: And?
Me: *blank stare*
Wife: AND?
Me: A napkin?
@bobvulfov TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
@rockymomax ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
@AnkCoupleTO [Easter]
Her: Where should I hide the eggs?
Me: Not in your ovaries, I’ve already found two
H: I was referring to our children
M: So was I
@Sal0630 GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?
Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.
@TheBoydP Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
@ceejoyner Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
@ABurgerADay [Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?