A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
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Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Yesterday I bought a ribeye.
Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.
I don’t even feel bad about it.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?
~Conversations I have with my couch
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
cotton farmer (looking toward sky): good we need the rain
candy cotton farmer (running toward field): oh shit oh shit oh shit