[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
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sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache