Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@WilliamAder

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

@SaltyCorpse

Yesterday I bought a ribeye.

Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.

I don’t even feel bad about it.

@GrantTanaka

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

@MumInBits

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

@GlennyRodge

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

@ddsmidt

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

@esuwalker

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?

~Conversations I have with my couch

@PhilJamesson

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

@millercycle

[raining]

cotton farmer (looking toward sky): good we need the rain

candy cotton farmer (running toward field): oh shit oh shit oh shit