Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

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My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.


today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle


When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.


ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*


Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁


shall I compare thee to a summer’s day/
its very rude to not respond/
why not/
good luck finding anyone on here with that attitude/


Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.


me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights


It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.