Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
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Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.