@rhysjamesy

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

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@jackiecarbajal

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

@iwearaonesie

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

@SarahJonesVent

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

@wwwdotben

It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.

@daemonic3

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

@oxygenplug

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

@jergarl

*dies

*goes to heaven

Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me

*slaps my head

ARE YOU HUNGRY YOU LOOK THIN?

@notviking

if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week

@usagiboiz

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

@JB4Realz

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.