Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
*goes to heaven
Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me
*slaps my head
ARE YOU HUNGRY YOU LOOK THIN?
if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone
my boss: didn’t i fire you last week
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.