My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
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Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle
When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
shall I compare thee to a summer’s day/
its very rude to not respond/
good luck finding anyone on here with that attitude/
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.