“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.