Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.