@weinerdog4life

Literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don’t even know it.

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@TuSoonShakur

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

@GrantTanaka

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

@RandiLawson

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

@fro_vo

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

@UniqueDude2

Teens: I was an idiot when I was a kid
20s: I was an idiot when I was a teen
30s: I was an idiot in my 20s
33: if only there was a pattern

@iamspacegirl

*I open my McDonald’s bag and a bunch of dirty pigeons fly out*

Narrator: The McPigeon, new from McDonald’s

@heatherlou_

My boss said if I tried to take Friday off, I could just take the rest of the year off so that’s kinda neat.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

@Inferno_V

As a mother of four, I am often asked what is the best way to child proof your home.

A: Send them outside to play and lock all the doors.

@Whitnuts

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.