That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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Goat cheese is for herders.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.