My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
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My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.