@danblackroyd

Little Caesars: It’s hot and it’s ready.

Me: Is it good?

Little Caesars: It’s HOT. And it’s READY.

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@michaeldyllan

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

@Darlainky

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

@TrendsZim

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

@lisaxy424

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

@carolinamess_

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

@Havish_AF

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

@OliveStuff

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

@LuvPug

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running