Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
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me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.