@JimmerThatisAll

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

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@Scottzilla667

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

@BCMontgo

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

@Swishergirl24

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

@dlicj

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

@thistallawkgirl

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

@QwertyJones3

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

@bonehugsnirony

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

@FredTaming

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going