Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
little girl: what’s behind the wardrobe?
old man: narnia
girl: what’s narn-
man: narnia business
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Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.