little girl: what’s behind the wardrobe?

old man: narnia

girl: what’s narn-

man: narnia business

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Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together


Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.


I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.


[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.


This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen


It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.


You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*


Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.