Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
termite twitter scares me
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion