Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
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If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.