Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*