Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
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Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.
Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question.
Boss: Better than anyone else I know…
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!