@TheCatWhisprer

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

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@radtoria

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

@VerifiedDrunk

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

@realHamOnWry

I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.

@sirmunchie

Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question.

Boss: Better than anyone else I know…

@lmegordon

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

@birbigs

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

@jake_lach

I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people

@donni

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

@Darlainky

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!